A Guide to Blogging

Many people have been asking me why I haven't blogged as much lately, and I thought of that old proverb: Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you'll feed him for a life time--or at least until he's fucking sick of fish. What does one have to do with the other? Well, I figured if I don't blog enough for you, maybe I can help you learn to blog for yourself to fill that void you feel when you check this page and there are no new entries. So without further ado, I give to you:

Duy's Guide to Blogging!

Pick a Topic
The first thing you'll want to do is identify what it is you want to write about. For me, I look to everyday life and my entries are generally triggered by a memory or something that happened that day (like people saying I don't write enough). I also recommend writing about everyday things because it allows you to gloss over superfluous details of things other people don't know and/or allows you to relate with your reader-base more. Consider the following two examples:

"Today I was driving in my car to work." -- Totally relatable!

"Today I was driving my rocket to the Moon." -- wtf? Bullshit. You don't have a rocket.

So you see, you don't want to get too out there, because then you lose your readers too fast. Try not to make it too interesting or obscure, that way you can be sure that you are in tune with your audience.

Style
Just like in the BCS or Beauty Pageants, style matters. Don't confuse this with being overly poetic or esoteric. In fact, try to avoid using words like "esoteric." Save your vocabulary for the SATs or that final term-paper. We are not impressed. What I mean by style is writing in such a way that takes full use of techniques such as rhythm, humor, dialogue and dialect. But don't rhyme. That's lame.

Rhythm is a useful tool. It can be used to set the mood. You can make something feel rushed, or drawn out. For example:

"Santa looked up. Without a word, he bolted. He was running right at me. I froze."

vs.

"Santa looked up and without saying a word, he was running right at me--and I froze."

See the difference? Well, there might not be. I kind of feel like I'm bullshitting, but there's got to be some truth to that. To sum up: Everyday language resonates. Style counts. Don't rhyme.

Humor
The trick to writing humor is to not try too hard to be funny. It seems counter-intuitive, but an audience can sense desperation for laughter from a mile away. I tend to employ humor in a subtle manner, enabling me to think that people are just too dumb to get my jokes when they don't laugh. And in the end, I feel better about myself. Try to avoid low-brow material such as monkey jokes and poo-poo humor. And while Bush-jokes are all too easy, I like to leave that to the pros.

Structure
Anyone who's read a lot of my blogs may have noticed a pattern I tend to follow when I write. First, I might start out with a current event that stuck out as worthy of being shared. I then will transition to a memory of a moment in time that was brought to the foreground of my mind when I experienced/witnessed said event. I then pepper the narrative with anecdotal commentary that makes me laugh inside. And conclude in the present tense. Although I have deviated from this formula, it remains to be a solid way to construct a story. But that's just me being a versatile writer . . . don't worry, you'll get there.

Address your readers
A blog is interesting because it allows you to have a one-sided conversation with your audience. In doing so, it is possible to influence the way they think about what you're saying or even about you as a person. This can work to your advantage. Try incorporating phrases like:

"So this really funny thing happened while I was . . . ."

or

"Because I'm an awesome individual, I was able to . . . "

You see? You just set someone up to think whatever comes after would be humorous and how great a person you are, respectively. The power of suggestion is profound--I recommend you use it (did you see what I did there? If not, you are probably stupid).

Also, try not to insult your readers, because it may piss them off and they will stop reading.

Conclusion
The way you end your blog is probably as important as how you began it. Just like an entertainer, you have to leave them wanting more. You may try ending on a profound note, or provide some lucid retrospection from the events you are documenting. Although you might just end it abruptly, possibly leaving your reader wondering what else you might have had in mind, or perhaps more appropriately, wonder what else they could have done instead over the past 3 minutes of their life.