Consumer Retribution

I flew into Florida last night from Boston for the Thanksgiving holidays. Over the past few years in the post-9/11 era, I have come to loathe traveling. Security checks are longer, there are more delays, and I am required to check my baggage now because it is possible that my acne medication will be mistaken for supplies for a home-made bomb, a la McGuyver. Traveling over busy holidays are even worse--and that's generally the only times I do go anywhere. When all was said and done, my journey from Boston to Florida took 5 hours longer than it was supposed to, which gave me some time to think.

First of all, airports in general suck--I'm sure everyone agrees. Everything is expensive. I paid about $8 for a small piece of sausage on a small hot dog bun, a 20 oz diet coke, and a bag of mostly air labeled, "Doritos." I thought of the exorbitant cost of the air fare which was undoubtedly a couple hundred dollars more than it would have been maybe two weeks later. And this is when I came to an epiphany. If the market can force us to spend more during the holidays, maybe we, as consumers, can fight back. Here is my incredibly simple plan:

Celebrate all your holidays two weeks after the official date. (Two weeks instead of one so you don't get screwed over by New Year's right after Christmas--although I don't know what you Jewish people are going to do. You're on your own.)

I know, it's brilliant. Your air fares will be lower, those decorations will be half off at your local Sprawl-Mart, and you won't have to fight crowds. Sure, your days off work won't coincide with your new schedule, but that just means you can work those days and transfer your off-hours to the new holiday. And if your office doesn't do that, then maybe find a new job--because really, do you want to be in such a stifling environment? I didn't think so.

If people look at you weird when you show up at their door hollering "Trick or Treat!" on November 14th, just tell them you're going by the Duykipedian calendar. We can be a whole new segment of American culture--an exclusive enclave of the better informed. We can look down upon those who celebrate their holidays on the "traditional" days. We are avant garde.

It may take a while to catch on, since the readership of this blog is somewhere between 3 and 7, including myself, but still there is hope for a better future. One where we don't have to wait in such horrid lines at the airport, or fight the rush for that holiday tree (you could probably just pick someone else's off the street), and you'll get half off of all your decorations and signage. It will be glorious, and cost-effective.

But wait! What about the exorbitant cost of airport food?

No worries, gentle reader. You'll have saved so much money from adopting the Duykepidian calendar shift that you could afford to treat yourself to a $6.00 pack of Twizzlers and a $2.00 12oz soda. Enjoy prosperity, friends.